I Suffered a Loss. My Miscarriage Story

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My Miscarriage Story | Real Food RN

To date, on my blog, I have published 604 posts. All of them about health, wellness, or recipes. Nothing about anything personal, emotional, or hard to talk about. No peek inside all of the imperfection that happens behind the scenes. Today, I am going to share a story that is painful, real, and not talked about “in public” a whole lot. Especially in the Real Food, healthy living communities that I am a part of….because when we are healthy, these sorts of things don’t happen, right?

I suffered a miscarriage.

I never in a million years thought this would happen to ME! It’s so humbling when you realize that you can do everything “right” and still suffer a miscarriage. I thought I could control pregnancy. It is not in my control, it never was, and it never will be. A hard pill to swallow.

I wanted to get this message out there because I know so many women immediately blame themselves when there is a loss.”I should not have been so stressed…..had that glass of wine…..gone on that trip…..exercised so much…..ate that “forbidden food”….” None of this is your fault. It’s not in your control.

When you eat clean, exercise, sleep eight hours, supplement properly, and take care of yourself, you have complete control, right? I was so wrong. We don’t have control. This was a big wake up call for me.

My emotions are very raw as I write this, as I am still actively miscarrying. I decided to write now because I can both use this as a cathartic way of putting this pain out to the universe and also because it’s all still playing out in my mind. Raw. Real. Intensely painful.

I always thought that miscarriage would never happen to me…..

Until it did.

It shattered me.

I was angry at myself. I didn’t trust my body, and I felt defective, hollow, and old.

What kind of person preaches healthy living online, and then “allows” this to happen, I thought. What will everyone think of me? I felt like I had a stamp on my forehead: “rejected”

I had three healthy pregnancies. Never once did I have to see a negative pregnancy test. All of my pregnancies I felt great, elated! Never sick, only tired in the beginnning.

All of my births were exactly what I had hoped for: natural, non-medicated, no interventions. Healthy babies. I high-fived my husband: “We did well!”

That’s what I thought at least, until we lost a pregnancy.

I had to really look at myself on the most human level, as imperfect. Something very hard for a perfectionist to do.

My heart goes out to every woman who has suffered a miscarriage, a stillbirth, an infant loss. It. Is. Soul crushing. Paralyzing. It puts so many things into your head and tears your heart into pieces. I want to hug each and every woman who has endured a loss. It cuts so deep. I am so so sorry.

This pregnancy was the one we had actually planned! I missed my period on Monday, peed on a stick on Tuesday: positive. Waited. Peed on another stick on Wednesday: positive. Told my husband. Dug out the baby journal (I write to all of my babies when I am pregnant) and set my due date in my friend Genevieve’s (Mama Natural) birth course so I could get her weekly emails and updates throughout my pregnancy, and also dug out Genevieve’s amazing pregnancy book. Ready for another wonderful pregnancy! Business as usual. I was 5 weeks and some change, and ready to rock this pregnancy!

Then, on Sunday, I went to the bathroom and there was blood.

No……no, no, NO!

My heart stopped.

I couldn’t breathe.

The world around me muffled.

I immediately went to bed and prayed. Maybe if I lay flat it will stop. The nurse brain in me knew this was not true. But I prayed anyway.

In the morning, I slowly walked to the bathroom. I passed a clot. Instant tears. Ugly, hot tears. I just sat there, for what seemed like an eternity.

My husband said he would “take care of the morning” and get the kids off to school. I called my midwives from my closet because I didn’t want the kids to hear me. I could barely even get a word out to the triage nurse through my sobbing. She told me to come in.

The earliest appointment was at 2:00pm, so I had to wait the entire day. The longest day of my life. I considered going for a run because that is how I process my life. That couldn’t happen, not when I was bleeding. So I showered and hid in my bedroom until the appointment. So ashamed of myself. I felt defective, unworthy, all of the ugly things a person can say to themselves. I confided in a few close friends, who also shared stories of loss. Something I never knew about them. These stories remain hidden. So much shame and grief we carry around.

The time came to go to my appointment and I emerged from my room. Dressed in all gray, it matched my mood. An oversized sweater, I felt like I wanted to hide my defective body.

My midwife was so excited to see us! Until she found out why. The conversation took a lower tone. I got on the table, she did a pelvic exam and asked me some questions. I was numb the entire time, and I don’t really even remember our conversation.

Up next, the lab, to draw an hCG. Then, we went home. I still hadn’t even eaten one bite of food that day. Back up to my room. More crying. Then I got the call, hCG was 11. Ominous. It would be a loss. The hot tears came back. I don’t even remember what my midwife said. I retreated to my bed and went to sleep.

In the past, I had consoled friends who suffered miscarriages, secretly confident that it would never happen to me, and also confident that if I had a loss early in pregnancy that it would not affect me because the baby is only a “ball of cells” at that point. Right? I am a Nurse, I can “science” my way out of anything.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Even though I had only known about this little being for 5 days, I was its mother. There was life, a soul. It was mine. If only for a few short days. THAT was the part I did not expect.

This baby had a due date. December 10th.

I had names picked out. Determined to have another girl, I would have named her Audrey.

I had started my baby journal…..then, five short days later, I had to write my goodbye. The hardest thing I have ever written, besides this post.

That was two days ago. I am still so numb, in shock, and devastated. But my mind is in a better place now. A place of peace, thanks to two things: my dear friends and God.

I decided to completely surrender to this. To turn to God, prayer, and my journal. So many questions. So much blame. As I talked with my friends and they shared their stories of loss I realized that this is not in my control. That there is a plan for every one of us. There is a plan for every soul. Would I ever, for even one second, think my friends who suffered a loss were defective? Absolutely not! So why was I doing this to myself?

I try to look for the lesson in everything, for the light behind the darkness. After turning myself inside out trying to find out WHY I realized that I had been getting so many messages around slowing down. Slow down, Kate. Stop. Just stop. This was the final kick in the pants that I do not need to strive for perfection in E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. No one can be perfect.

Just breathe.

I have the words “Be still, and know that I am God” hanging on the wall in my kitchen, and yet I can never seem to be still. Life is happening right now, if I don’t stop and be present, I will not fully live. This is what I am taking away from this experience. Stop always looking ahead. Stop always planning and trying to control. Stand in the middle of the mess.

Life is messy and beautiful, and short. Sometimes painfully short.

I want this message to be heard far and wide. So many women wear their perfection as a badge of honor I did! We think that if we are “perfect” with everything we do in life, then we are in complete control. I know, I used to think that too. Control is an illusion. We need to accept ourselves as we are, perfectly imperfect. Everyone has a story, and it does not have to be played out with artistic perfection like it appears on social media. We are all real, human, living creatures and we all have our ups and downs.

I want to talk to those of you who share in my strive for perfection. Please stop for a minute and just love yourself exactly as you are right now.

You are amazing. Okay?

Say it out loud.

One of my favorite meditations is the Ho’oponopono. I now have it written down where I can see it every day, and say it out loud: “I Love You, I’m Sorry, Forgive Me, Thank You.” Write it on your bathroom mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and say it out loud every day. It will change your life. Love yourself, you are amazing!!! You are created in His image.

Even though I am still grieving this loss so very much, it has given me a new perspective. I am going to embrace the mess in life. I am going to stop hating on myself for everything that I deem imperfect. My internal dialog is going to be filled with more love and less judgment. I am going to slow down.

We are still planning for our rainbow baby, and I know that it will happen. This time I plan to rest, to be at peace, and to appreciate the journey. I am not in control.

To all of you who share in this painful journey, my heart goes out to you. You are beautiful and amazing, and perfectly imperfect.

____________________________________________________________

After I finished tearfully writing this post in a coffee shop, I pulled myself back together so I could go be on “recess duty” at my children’s school. On the way over there a friend sent me a message of a podcast to listen to, so I listened on the drive. It spoke directly to my heart and lifted me up, I knew that I had to learn to “Love the Mud.” In the podcast, he talked about how God knows we are made of dust and our lives our muddy. The muddy mess-the challenges, struggles, sin, and pain in our lives make meaning. Listen to the message HERE.

Luckily, it was a blustery day, so my watery eyes and red cheeks did not stand out to anyone on the playground. Even my kids didn’t notice, they were just happy that I was there. My babies. Then, I noticed a few of the boys were trying to dig a mud puddle to play in. That was put to a stop by another playground attendant. The boys bolted, off to the next playground adventure. I noticed something amazing in that mud puddle. I immediately said to myself “love the mud.” The message in the podcast was now right there manifested in the mud in front of me. It was so clear that I took a picture and put it up on Instagram, to forever capture this moment. He was whispering to me. He is always with me.

I know that everything is going to be okay. Even when life gets muddy.

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A Loss, My Miscarriage Story | Real Food RN

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76 Replies to “I Suffered a Loss. My Miscarriage Story”

  1. Very well written. I’m not a woman, but I have suffered side by side with my wife when we lost our son Levi, who was stillborn. The helpless feelings are unbearable at times even for us guys, who are supposed to be the protectors of our families, leaving us feel like failures.
    Do make sure you honor Audrey and take care of yourself!

    1. Royce, the suffering you and Melissa have endured over the years has been immense. I am in awe over your strength! She is with Levi right now and that makes my heart smile so big. Thank you for sharing your heart on your blog too. Your message is so powerful. You are amazing! We plan to plant an “Audrey tree” in our yard this spring, in honor.

  2. My heart is full. I am so sorry for your loss. Life’s lesson can be so painful at times. A lesson to learn, everything little thing has a lesson. Our hearts carry the sadness, the pain. I’ll think of you and say a prayer. Be Well dear lady.

  3. This post is incredible. I love you so much and love how you bravely and courageously bared your soul here. This post is going to help so many women who are hurting from miscarriages.

  4. I admire you sharing. I understand your pain completely and know how it feels to be completely jolted and brought to realization that things arent guaranteed and that miscarriage can also happen to us~ it’s a terrible feeling and makes you lose trust in your body and question all kinds of things. I had 2 kids and never had issues. I got pregnant with a 3rd (I was 38, so age was a concern, though I’m very healthy). I miscarried at 9 weeks, so I had gotten used to the idea of having that baby and was stunned when I lost it. My doctor said that when you experience this, it removes the innocence and ‘magic’ you once felt about pregnancy. She was right. I got pregnant a year later and gave birth to my healthy baby girl (my other two kids are boys), at age 40. Boy did I have new prespective during the pregnancy and took nothing for granted. She’s 2 now and we are blessed. Please know my heart hurts for you and I cried reading your post. I know exactly how you feel and it takes time to mentally and emotionally recover. You will grow past this and will now be a perfect resource and support to others who go through it in the future. I feel like I now understand it much better and can empathize more deeply.
    Praying for God’s arms around you~

    1. Oh Amy, your comment made me cry! Thank you for sharing, we have the same journey. I am 37 and now I look at my body and my pregnancy in a very different way. I am determined to have my rainbow baby, but my pregnancy experience will be very different. Not as much trust as there had been with my 3 babies. I was so shocked to learn that almost all of my friends had experienced loss and I didn’t even know! That’s why I wrote this post, I hope it gives women permission to talk about it, to fully grieve. Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate them so much! Hugs to you!

  5. The loss will always be there but will lessen with time. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I was six weeks when I found out and lost the baby at 9 weeks. I still remember the due date as November 1st. That was over 28 years ago. May God give you peace. My prayers are with you.

  6. Loss is sometimes too much to bear. Sometimes we think we can’t possibly feel whole again. It’s been 19 years since I miscarried the first time. And I miscarried 4 times after that. I think about it often, though not as much as I used to. I never stopped trying. Through all the heartache and what-ifs, I was lucky to have 3 beautiful babies! Although I hoped to have more, God said it wasn’t so. Now that I’m older, I look back and cannot believe I was so lucky. 3 babies??!! When I was told it wasn’t possible? God is amazing and He will provide. Take care of yourself. Kiss your kids, and keep trying.

    1. Thank you for sharing your journey Leigha. You are so blessed to have three beautiful babies. I know that helps me cope too. God has a plan and that gives me peace,I just hope and pray His plan is for more babies! I won’t give up!

  7. I am grateful to have seen this post. Although, I wish you didn’t have to write it. I too, suffered a loss, just a couple of weeks ago. On Easter. On my birthday. I am still suffering but reading your words has helped me in so many ways . I am also a nurse, so hearing you talk about the logical and the emotional part of it was something I also went through. I am thinking of you tonight and praying for peace, for both of us.

    1. Oh Robyn, I am so sorry for your loss. What a difficult day on Easter and your birthday! Sending you healing prayers and hugs. So glad my post helped you, that’s what I prayed for when I wrote it.
      He helped me form the words to put out there, I am convinced of that!

  8. Dear Sweet Kate, may you find peace somehow and know your sweet Audrey is still close. Perhaps to be your rainbow baby when you are able.. love..

  9. I am so sorry Kate for your loss and your family. Thank you for being brave to share your heart. My heart goes out to you, and am praying for you and your family.

  10. Oh Kate, I just finished reading your sad & beautifl post, and I am having difficulties typing this note because I am still crying. I am so, so sorry for your loss & for Luke’s loss and Ellie, Andrew & Jacobs loss. But you are strong and I know that you will have that rainbow baby. Love you Kate.
    And now I need to go for a walk to stop these tears.

  11. I am so sorry to hear of your loss Kate, but God is able and He will give you comfort. Keeping you and your precious family in my prayers.

  12. So real. Thank you for that. And thank you that the Lord gently brings us to these places. Praying for healing!

  13. You are completely right when you say how common this is and how no one talks about it. Many years ago, I went out with a group of girlfriends one night around Christmas for a fun gift exchange. There were 10 of us sitting around the table. Afterwards we got to talking and somehow this very subject came up. I found out that 8 of us had experienced a miscarriage of some sort! EIGHT! That night was my wake up call that I had done nothing wrong to cause mine just a year prior. It is so much more common than we know. You are not at fault! It was a hard lesson for me to learn and it will take lots of time to heal, or at least lesson the pain.

    1. Wow, that is an 80% stat! It is shocking how many women suffer in silence. That’s why I decided to share my story, in hopes that it would help women start the conversation and grieve properly. That night must have been very healing for you!

  14. I am so sorry for your lost. I have been following for just a short time. I admire you for your strength, faith and courage. What an incredible post and uplifting to others that have had a loss, including me.

  15. My heart is heavy. So sorry for you loss Kate. It’s okay to brace the sorrow. It makes us stronger. I had my first child when I was 33. This was followed by 3 miscarriages. By the 4th try I was ready to give up, but that’s when the miracle held and my daughter hung on and became my second child at age 38. 🙂

    1. Yay, I am so glad to hear that you got your miracle baby. This is why I will not give up either. I will be 38 when I have our next baby if all goes well. Here’s praying!

  16. I’m so sorry! This hits close to home as I just found out my due date is dec 20th! I don’t have words to comfort you but you are in my thoughts! Thanks for writing such a personal post and thanks for all you do! I have learned a lot from you! May you need to get that Mama Natural book out again soon;) ♥️♥️♥️♥️

    1. Thank you Andria! I am glad that December 10th will be a day filled with Joy for you 🙂 I will get my book back out, I actually refused to put it away. It’s sitting on my dresser ready for me to earmark another page 🙂

  17. I’m sorry for your loss. May God continue to bring healing and comfort to your soul. We are so hard on ourselves. I’ve been beating myself up lately for something and I like what you said about asking yourself for forgiveness. I know I would be much kinder to a friend in my situation than I am to myself.

  18. I am so sorry for your loss. I recently(last Monday) discovered that my baby had no heartbeat at 8 weeks. I am thankful for your bravery in sharing your story, as painful as it is. It helped me to understand my own emotions more clearly. My due date was November 20th.
    In the midst of all of this I am trying to decide which “route” to m/c, D&C or natural. I don’t want to do either. I just want this all to be over.
    Thank you for sharing. Your story was a comfort and encouragement to me, and I’m certain many others.
    Here’s to our rainbow babies!

    1. Oh Jessica, I am so sorry! November 20th will be tough day, I am sad when I think about December 10th. Glad my post brought you some peace. You are not alone. Sending you healing prayers and hugs as you go through this. Also sending you prayers for your rainbow baby!

  19. Prayers for you and your family and God bless you. There has to be a bigger plan in all this trust Him. I suffered the loss of twins at 10 weeks along.crushed wondering if I would ever have the dream of children happen. Followed by normal pregnancy of my dear son who is now 11 and likely things would have been different and he not here if those twins arrived..The universe has a different plan than us sometimes. I did suffer another loss at 14 weeks along with who would have been his little brother…still holding a flicker of hope for another but if not I am still blessed with my son.

    1. I’m so sorry for your losses Nancy, but you are correct in that He has a plan. Sometimes that is hard to accept. Sending you prayers for another rainbow baby!

  20. Prayers of comfort for you and your husband. My daughter in love suffered 2 losses before the birth of their daughter last October. It is still such a secret subject among women. We should not allow each other to suffer in hiding we should be able to lean on each other for comfort. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.

    1. Thank you for your prayers Renee. Yeah I was shocked at how much of a silent suffering is was for so many women. I wrote my post hoping it would help some women grieve and share.

  21. I am so sorry for your loss….you never forget…I lost 3…many years ago but still traumatic to this day..I think and dream about those children often (yes they were my children) but you do go on with Gods help…I am blessed that I have 5 wonderful amazing children who bless me everyday! I too am an RN…I too have had problems with the pushing pills and vaccines that medicine has become. I have been a nurse for over 31 years…LTC, then hospital Med Surg, ICU, ER/Trauma for 12 years, oncology/infusion therapy for 8 years. Now back to LTC/SNF management/DON/MDS…we eat meat, butter, eggs, bacon…use lard or olive oil for frying…yes we do fry now and then….

    1. I’m so sorry for your losses Lisa, the pain is always there I’m sure. So amazing that you have 5 children!! I love big families. I am in awe of you being a nurse for so long!!! I love that there are more and more nurses that are taking the path less traveled with healthy food and lifestyle versus pushing pills. Keep up the good work!

  22. Kate, thank you for being brave and giving a voice to this hard journey of miscarriage. Your words are beautiful, you are beautiful and so is your heart. I’m sending lots of love and prayers to you and your family.

  23. There’s no words that I can say to you that would make you feel better, I know the feeling. I had two ectopic pregnancies 11 months apart, 15 years after my only child. The loss was unbearable, but life goes on. It took awhile, but I survived it. I couldn’t have anymore(which was the hard part to get over), but I do have two terrific grandchildren(a boy & a girl). AND those two angel babies are always with me. My heart goes out to you & I cried when I read your post, because I know somewhat the feelings that you are feeling, because it brought up my loss. Sending you love, hearts & prayers to you & your family. Time heals & God will help you get through this.

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers Barbara! I am so sorry for your losses, but you are right that you have two angel babies that you will meet someday. That’s my hope too 🙂 Glad you have a wonderful family now 🙂

  24. I am so sorry for you and your husbands loss Kate, my heart breaks for you. You’re in my prayers. May God’s love continue to bring you strength.

  25. I am so, so sorry. I haven’t had a miscarriage, but I was 26 when we first started trying to get pregnant. I knew everything about how to eat, what to do to be healthy, I was young, and I thought we’d get pregnant with no problem. How humbling it was when it took 10 months to get pregnant with our first! I had no idea how emotional it would be to see negative test and after negative test, but it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. We wanted a baby so badly. There were no symptoms of any fertility problem. I was doing everything right, I thought, and couldn’t help feeling so discouraged and broken and imperfect. But God taught us the same very important lessons as well: we are not in control. We eventually did get pregnant with our beautiful baby girl (now 3) and I’m certain we appreciate it all so much more than if we hadn’t gone through that tough time. I just wanted to share that because your post about doing everything right and knowing so much about health and then having things go so differently really spoke to me. *hugs*

    1. Thank you for your kind words and hugs Marisa! I am so glad that you got your healthy baby 🙂 It’s so true that we can do everything “right” and then its still not in our control. All His plan.

  26. I’ve had more than my share of miscarriages. The fourth or fifth one was no easier than the first. I hardly talked about them to others. The ones who knew really didn’t know what to say. Well meaning friends would say things I already knew. They would remind me of what a great God I have, and of my other children. With my third miscarriage my greatest comfort came from someone whom I had just recently met who wrapped me up in strong arms and said, “I am so sorry” nothing more. We cried together. Kate, I do not know you, but from me to you comes a great big hug. I am so sorry. You are in my prayers.

    1. I’m so sorry Robin, for your losses. It really is a topic that nobody talks about, that is why I decided to share mine. I hope it starts a conversation among those who are silently suffering. We need to lift each other up in this grief. I so appreciate your kid words, prayers, and hug. You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you!

  27. Kate, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can not imagine how heartbreaking your experience must be for you and your family. Although I don’t know you personally I have followed you for years as a fellow lover of YLEO’s. I was amazed several years ago when you actually called me and talked with me about some sleep problems that I was experiencing. You unselfishly share your knowledge and experiences with others to help us in our life’s journey. Prayers that your will feel peace and healing very soon.

    1. Thank you so much Mary Ellen. I appreciate your kind words and prayers so much! I really felt the need to share this story because so many women suffer alone in silence, hopefully this will help.

  28. Wow, I am so sorry for your loss Kate.My daughter just had a miscarriage as well and she was about 5 weeks also. It is very hard for her. I am sharing your story with her to encourage her. Thanks so much for being candid with your story. I know it will encourage many others out there going thru the same thing. God Bless, Lana

  29. My son was a twin, I lost one, my girl who would have been named after my mom… 22 years later i still grieve for her.

  30. Dear Kate, I wish you could have been spared this pain and disappointment, but appreciate immensely how you shared your situation with us. It is amazing to see how many of us have been touched by similar situations and your post has opened a “flood gate” of emotions, healing, and encouragement! You are so correct to surrender this to Father, you could fight for your own control, but that would be pointless, as He is the one in control and this too has a purpose in your life’s walk. No matter what, even if you and Luke do not realize your dream, this too has a purpose and is part of the plan for your life and the life of your family. When I was only 29, I had to have a hysterectomy. There was a precancerous situation and we had to decide and purpose in our hearts to be grateful for the one son we did have and get past mourning for the additional children we would never conceive. Our dear son is 45 years old now and its all been so worth it to have had each other and the life Father had in mind for us! We didn’t appreciate all that at the time, I assure you. But in time, there is healing, surrender, getting back into living, laughter and joy ” that passes all understanding”. And then something else happens to shake you to your foundation, and you start all over again because

    that’s who you are and He is whose Daughter you are. He is there with you, every step of the way! You are blessed beyond measure, already, and in every moment. I send hugs and encouragement to all the precious friends who have commented before me. What treasures you all are!

    1. Oh thank you so much Karen, your words are so kind! I am so sorry that you had to have a hysterectomy at such a young age. But it was the best decision so you could be here to raise your precious boy! It’s all part of his plan and I put my trust in that. We has such a wonderful community of support and I feel so blessed!

  31. I am sorry for your loss. I know the pain. I have had many miscarriages due to health problems. Some early on, a few weeks along, the furthest one was about 12 weeks. Many expect a woman not to feel anything because it is so early, just like having a menstrual period, just late. This is not true. This is a life and it does have a soul, like you said. And it has a name. I gave all of my babies names, and I know I will see them in Heaven later. I don’t understand why God designed the world the way He did, but I trust it is all as it should be. Maybe God wants to remind us that He is the giver and taker of life, not us. We are privileged to have the babies we have, I think. I have two beautiful girls, who I adore and they are enough for me. We just have to trust God with everything. Never the right words to say when someone suffers like this, hope I didn’t say anything wrong. I cry with you. Praying for healing for your heart.

    1. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story. I really appreciate it! You did not say anything wrong. You share openly and I love the support everyone is pouring out! I so agree that
      He is the giver and the taker of life, we must appreciate that! We will all meet our angel babies some day.

  32. there is a painful and beautiful truth in your words. we are not the ones who control the Circle of Life. We are blessed to be a part of the Circle but it is His hands that turn it. I lost my third baby at 11-12 weeks. there is no other that can replace that one. I love that one. I will meet that one some day. Yes, I was blessed with two others after this lost one, but each is a unique creation-not a replacement. When I am missing this one, I talk to Jesus and ask Him to hug my baby for me and tell that one that Mommy is thinking of the day we will hug each other in person….and until then I know that Jesus loves that one for me.

  33. When I miscarried our third child, I thought I was the only person in my world that this had ever happened to. When the word got out to our close community, the women who had suffered the same loss seem to come out of the woodwork…who knew??? I finally didn’t feel alone at least. I had to work through the guilt like you. As I had the feeling that this was a sister for our daughter, my dad named her Susanna. Turns out Susanna means “lily”–my favorite flower ever. He didn’t know, but God knew. Our Susanna now shows up in our family photos and key chain charm as a butterfly. She would be 23 years old now but I still cry for her…and yet I know with absolute certainty that I will see that little girl one day, and even now she and my dad are together, waiting for us to join them as they both enjoy perfect bodies and a perfect eternity. Thank you for validating my own pain, even after all these years. I’m sorry you had to go through it….but we are not alone and that helps.

    1. Oh Cheryl, your words brought tears to my eyes. So sorry for your loss, the pain always lingers, even years later. I know you will see her someday. It is comforting to know that they are up in heaven with lost loved ones. I like to think of my Grannie and Audrey playing together, my Grannie loved babies and it comforts me when I think of them together. Sending you virtual hugs <3

  34. I was pregnant with our first child. The baby died in my 7th month and the dr. didn’t induce me and I had to carry her until term.This was in 1952.So we have a baby daughter buried in Fort Dodge cemetery and we live in Minnesota.Such a sad memory but i went on to have another daughter and a son.

    Blessings on you and your family

    Jo Dilliner

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